i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
