I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
