Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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