Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
