i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
