I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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