oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
