well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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