Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
