please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
