Already got asked if we're dating
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
