If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
