I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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