guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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