Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
