Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
