oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
