got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
