he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
