At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
