I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
