the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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