Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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