in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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