i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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