so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
