I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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