grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
