I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
