All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
