Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My bed smells like the plague
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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