Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
