she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
