I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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