So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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