i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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