I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
