I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
