Betty ford says i'm here all night
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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