He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
