Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
