i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
