I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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