she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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