Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
