my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
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I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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