remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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