My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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