Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
