She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
