no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
