Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
