where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
