I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
