i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
