was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
