It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
